An Incoming Freshman’s Pocket Guide To Fraternity Rush

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     This article is  by TFF Total Frat Forum Contributor Paul Slade

 

Here in America, independence is as abundant as the amount of butt stuff in one of DeVry Guy’s Tinder Pickup Lines articles. Amongst this independence is your liberty to rush a Greek house on your campus. Do not confuse “Independence” with “Independents”, the latter of which you all are right now. Rushing a fraternity is what will keep you from staying independent of being affiliated with a Greek house, which is what I’m here to help you with today. Here’s what to do during your rush process:

1.) Familiarize Yourself With The Fraternities On Campus
ONLY consult sites like http://www.greekrank.com. Select your school and LOOK NO FURTHER than the top three fraternities. Top tier, baby. Only the finest for you. You want to be in the most fr@ fraternity on campus. Being in a top house will make you mightier than Dan Bilzerian riding American Pharaoh down Wall Street. You will be the ringleader of the alcohol-abusement park that you call college.

2.) Kick Your High School Sweetheart To The Curb
What the hell were you even thinking? I’ll bet you thought you two were going to get married. You told her you loved her, didn’t you? Trade in that herpes-ridden eye-sore for a four year supply of visual nicotine. Grab your dick, pussy, you’re about to go on the slampage of your life. Do me a favor: reach into your wallet and throw away that expired condom.

3.) Hit The Outlet Malls
Pool together that $1,500 you made this summer lifeguarding, Google the nearest Ralph Lauren outlet, and get in your soon-to-be fratmobile. If you don’t walk out of the store with a Polo of every color of the visible spectrum, then take your hopes and dreams of being a fr@ star and sell them to those kids you used to buy Copenhagen for in high school so that you can buy more Polos. Always remember the golden rule: the bigger the pony the better.

4.) Weed Through Your Facebook And Other Docial Media Accounts
Looks like someone didn’t take their GDI medication today. You have a photo album of mirror-selfies that you posted back in 2010? I’ll bet you were the one kid that wore a white tuxedo to prom senior year. Better take down that video you filmed with your GoPro of yourself bombing down a sidewalk on your longboard. If you don’t, you will not receive a top tier bid.

5.) Ask Questions
When getting to know active members during rush events, be sure to pique their brains a bit. Here are some good icebreaker questions:
-How much does your dad make?
-Where’s the Greg Goose?
-Are you a Miami Heat fan?
-Do you guys haze?
-Where are the girls?
-Why does everyone hate cargo shorts so much?

6.) Rules Are For The Other People
You’re not 21 but that shouldn’t stop you from cracking a cold one during your 9 a.m. lecture. Don’t forget one for your Prof. Show some Goddam respect. Natty Lights are the apples of college. Have some fucking pride. For you, the only rule is that there are no rules. Yeah, your grade will crash faster than Ryan Dunn behind the wheel of a Porsche, but that’s not why you’re here. You’re here to rush top house. Tippy-top. Take the rules society has downloaded into you brains, take them to a fine restaurant like TGI Fridays, pay for dinner, fold the back seat down in your car, and fuck them.

Print off this guide and carry it around with you. Fold it up and keep it in your pocket. It’ll come in handy in more ways than one. Just know in the back of your mind,

You guys are fucked.

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