WASHINGTON, DC – Mitt Romney, the Republican Party nominee for President in 2012 who was then promoted as a “must support” candidate to conservative Christians despite his ridiculously anti-Christian worldview and open cult membership, is once again on the campaign trail trying to explain how the “we must support the Republican nominee” pitch used to get millions of professing Christians to support anti-Christian Mitt in 2012 doesn’t really count anymore now that it’s 2016 and Donald Trump is the presumptive GOP nominee.
“We just can’t allow ourselves to vote for someone so obviously out of step with our values,” noted Romney, a man who actually believes that he will one day be the god over a planet full of people whose souls are produced through the eternal celestial sex he will be having with his multiple spirit wives. “We have to take a stand for the things we value most. We cannot support a man who so clearly opposes the values we hold most dear.”
“Sometimes voting for the lesser evil is important and necessary. Especially when I’m running. Sometimes you have to vote for someone who utterly tramples on core Christian concepts such as the very identity and nature of God and thinks that they will be the god of their very own planet one day,” added Mitt. “Sometimes you have to vote for the guy who actually believes he will have eternal polygamous sex with his many, many eternally bound spirit wives, thus providing the people on his precious little planet with their eternal souls.”
“These are things we as ‘Christians’ can agree to disagree on,” clarified Mitt while making air-quote signs around the word ‘Christians’. “But when it comes to core GOP values like the black magic economics of fiat currency and securing more and more power for the American State over its people through perpetual warfare, satanic public schools, gigantic welfare programs, and the ever-growing Orwellian surveillance/security State, we can all agree as good Republicans that these are non-negotiables.”
“Thus, since Donald Trump only supports 80-90% of these core Republican ideals at any given moment, I cannot support his candidacy.”
“While voting for the lesser evil is something I and my elite anti-Christian Republican friends will almost always encourage Christians to do when it comes to choosing a leader for the nation, I think we’re just going to have to pause that approach in 2016…unless I somehow end up stealing the nomination at a contested convention in Cleveland, of course.”