20. William Henry Harrison
Was rolling in family money and snaked his way to the White House based on an “everyman” image thanks to his log cabin and a love for hard cider. Dude would sling free booze and barbecue at campaign rallies, and whenever he was asked to talk about major national issues, he’d just electrify the crowd by taking cider to the dome and drink his way out of answering. So essentially an alcoholic Trump.
19. Lyndon B. Johnson
Any guy who whips out his package, which he calls “Jumbo,” at a reporter to answer a question clearly has a fuck tank on empty.
18. John Adams
Adams ran with Benny Franklin through some French tail and loved to get a little weird on rum laced wine. A bit of a wildcard, but taking a flyer on Adams for a night could pay huge dividends.
17. Franklin D. Roosevelt
“Wheels” put the kibosh on Prohibition and integrated drinking whenever possible. It didn’t matter the occasion — dinner parties to the dismay of a disapproving Eleanor, international affairs with Stalin and the Soviets, or shooting the shit with Churchill — FDR would play bartender and make cocktails with his own two rickety hands. Though, it’s on record that the “Polio Panther” made taint tasting martinis, so I’m pushing Crips away from the shaker set. Still, homeboy made alcohol legal again. I’ll take some haphazardly thrown together vermouth and egg white filled cocktail made with good intentions over no cocktail at all.
16. George H.W. Bush
Groomed his leadership skills and unparalleled sock game as a Navy pilot, captain of the Yale baseball squad, and fraternity president of DKE. That’s the type of pedigree you want in both a Commander in Chief and one of your boys. H.W. is sneakily a thrill seeker, too, skydiving for his 75th, 80th, 85th, and 90th birthdays. Just a solid addition to any crew, who is ride or die with his main hoe, Barbara, so you wouldn’t be in constant competition during the last call pecking order with the ladies.
15. Warren G. Harding
Warren G mastered the sexting game long before cell phones, writing erotic fuck letters to pretty much any woman not named his wife. Any dude that nicknames his dick “Jerry” is running with some loose ladies. Between plenty of freaky honeys being in the picture and Harding notoriously giving his buddies positions of power, I think the play is to use this crinkly, cheating scrotum for his connections and generosity and pray he doesn’t try to drag you into tag-teaming some sketchy broad.
14. Harry Truman
He started every single morning with a shot of bourbon. Shit, shower, shot of bourbon — every goddamn day. TruTru was also a fan of a good dick joke, poker games with the fellas, and taking the presidential yacht out to international waters. Open, lawless ocean. This is the only guy with the steel clad kahoonas to drop a fucking nuke not once, but twice on the world, so just imagine what was going down on those booze cruises.
13. Andrew Johnson
Showed up to his vice presidential inauguration loaded and gives off that inappropriate drunk uncle at Thanksgiving vibe, but at the very least, you wouldn’t be short on entertainment.
12. James Buchanan
Suffered from perpetual “drunk eyes” so there was no good reason for him to stay sober, ever.
11. Martin Van Buren
“Blue Whiskey Van” wrote a massive 776-page autobiography in which he made no mention of his term as president or his wife. Either he was blacked out completely during that time frame or he is just chock-full of incredible stories. Losing reelection due to public perception as an alcoholic, it was probably both.
10. Chester A. Arthur
Was called the “Dude President” for dropping crazy money on clothes, furniture, and all the finer things life had to offer. He also remained single during his entire term, so he was the most eligible bachelor in the nation. Between ladies throwing themselves in his general direction and his natural habit to pick up a tab solely to swing around his presidential hog, there were worse ways to spend a night than partying on Arthur’s dime.
Fucking around with the wine game and building his own vineyards was more of a financially crippling hit on Tommy than isolating the entire country from the rest of the world with the Embargo Act. Might as well drink the fruit of his bankrupt-inducing labor.
8. James Madison
Jimmy and his down ass bitch, Dolley, would have weekly ragers at the White House that were apparently legendary. Historians say the capital burned to the ground at the hands of the British during the War of 1812, but it’s actually a massive cover up of one of the Madison parties getting a little too out of control.
7. George Washington
For his farewell party, Washington and 54 of his buddies took down a bottle of Madeira per person, 60 bottles of claret, 22 bottles of porter, 12 bottles of beer, 8 bottles of hard cider, 8 bottles of Old Stock whiskey, and 7 large bowls of spiked punch. Georgey threw the fuck down.
6. Dwight Eisenhower
Ike was an avid golfer — to the point that he placed a hit on White House squirrels who were “ruining his putting green,” and had the grounds crew exterminate any nut grubbing rat on the property. Playing 18 with a guy with that ran a bootleg distillery operation during his time at West Point sounds doable.
5. George W. Bush
I guess Dubya doesn’t drink anymore. So what? You know he can still make it snow at Prairie Chapel Ranch mid-summer.
4. Grover Cleveland
“Big Steve” has been named the least healthiest president in American history on several occasions. This binge drinking, cigar smoking, womanizing, rotund hound lived more like a medieval king than a U.S. president. He once made a pact with a fellow politician to limit his daily consumption of beer to four steins, but quickly found that restriction unbearable and retracted the agreement. Cleveland had at least one illegitimate child, was a bachelor going into his first term, and eventually settled down with a 21-year-old First Lady. Grov was one fat, shameless, son of a bitch, and all-around good time.
3. Andrew Jackson
So long as you stay away from the casinos, you’d enjoy your time with Jackson. Not because he’s a degenerate gambler — he is — but you might run into problems with casino ownership that may move some to tears.
2. Teddy Roosevelt
I imagine a day with Teddy would be spent boxing kangaroos in the morning, then hunting only the most endangered animals on the planet in the afternoon before capping the night off downing Mint Juleps during wild sex parties with leopard covered exotic Amazonian chicks. I’ll climb those mountains with you any day, Teddy.
1. John F. Kennedy
JFK was swimming in poon. Johnny could trip and fall into a vagina. He would actually become physically ill if he didn’t smash out some strange while constantly remarking, “If I don’t have sex every day, I get a headache.” Ever hear of trickle down pussy? Sure, Kennedy would still get the pick of the elite litter, like that little minx Marilyn Monroe, but you’d get the slightly less attractive, but totally porkable friends..