THE CIGAR GIG
Traditional hazing activities involve forcing the pledges to smoke cigars in an atmosphere that makes the pledge inhale a lot of cigar smoke, making them swallow tobacco spit, and eat tobacco. Here are some of such activities that I know about that have been done in the past.
1. The smoker’s conversation.
The pledge is given a cigar to smoke. It is a cheap, nasty smelling, harsh cigar. It is a big cigar. Of course, at the same time the pledge has either a dip of Copenhagen or a chaw of Red Man, Beech Nut, Levi Garrett, et cetera in his mouth as well and there is no spittoon available. Pledges learn to swallow tobacco juice early on.
The pledge is forced to stand against the wall while several Brothers interrogate him. They are all also smoking cigars and standing very close to the pledge. He is not allowed to remove the cigar from his mouth but must answer their questions with both his cigar and chewing tobacco in his mouth. As the “conversation” continues the Brothers blow their smoke into his face so that he has a cloud of cigar smoke in his face at all times and, since his mouth is full of tobacco and juice and a cigar that he is smoking as well, he has no choice but to inhale their tobacco smoke. His eyes burn from the smoke, and he coughs. The interrogation continues until he has smoked his cigar completely. When he is down to the stub, he is ordered to put it into his mouth and chew it along with his other tobacco. CAVEAT: Have trash cans available because he may vomit.
2. The closet cigar gig.
Each pledge is given a large cheap cigar. The pledges are then put into the pledge closet naked, which is just large enough to cram them in all standing, mashed against each other. A box of matches is furnished and the door locked. The pledges are advised that they cannot come out of the closet until all cigars are smoked and all evidence of cigars, including ash, are completely removed. The closet has been completely scrubbed earlier by the pledges (unknowing fools they were) so that there is absolutely no place to hide a cigar or cigar ash. It doesn’t take long for the implications of the rules sink in on the pledges. They must smoke the cigars and get rid of all the ash and cigar butts somehow. It dawns upon them that they are going to have to eat all the ash and the cigar butts or else stick them up their asses. Then, to make things worse, the speakers start to blare “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” sung by some guy back in the 1920’s, which is totally and completely obnoxious. This will get interesting as the place fills with smoke, and some pledges may get sick from the smoke and throw up, making things more interesting. CAVEAT: Be sure there is enough circulation that enough air is available to breathe. Nobody wants a passed out pledge from hypoxia.
Variation: The pledges can be required to have a horseshoe of Cope in or a huge chaw of Red Man, et cetera during this exercise. When the thing is over punish them for the spit on the floor by making them clean it up with their own toothbrushes. Further variation: Feed them either beer or ice tea before this so they will have to piss.
3. The Tobacco Feast.
Combine this with the closet cigar gig if they are pretty well used to gutting tobacco juice, or, if not, just do this. You can use either Copenhagen or Red Man, et cetera, for this. Put them in the closet with a can of Copenhagen each, or a whole pouch of Red Man each, and don’t let them out until it has all been eaten. Do not furnish any trash cans. If they vomit, they do it on each other. Optional variation. Add this to the cigar gig. This will make a lot of them sick, and they will puke. That adds to the exercise because they must get rid of all the puke also. Expect them to fail and punish accordingly. Paddling is a nice punishment.
These are good Hell Week exercises. If during Hell Week, do it toward the end so that they all stink to high heaven (assuming that you have not allowed them to shower or bathe) and if they are also wearing their burlap undies, and covered in molasses and cornflakes and hair clippings, it can be even better as they rub against each other. If you haven’t had the pleasure of wearing burlap with molasses, cornflakes, and hair clippings underneath, you haven’t lived.
WARNING: Always have sober pledge trainers monitoring what is happening with your pledges when you do this stuff and come to the rescue of anybody who flakes out seriously. These exercises are safe but can cause nausea and vomiting in some. They also will cause blood pressure and pulse rates to rise because of the nicotine infusion, and some pledges may panic because of pounding pulses. All that is necessary is reassurance and time. Remove a panicking pledge from the room, reassure and calm him down. If he has chest pain or any sign of true distress, get him help. Call 911. Unless a pledge has an unknown heart problem, this should not happen. You should screen your pledges and have them complete physicals before beginning pledgeship if you are smart. If a pledge has a heart problem, then don’t pledge him or else keep him out of these activities.
These activities have all been done in the past by fraternities, and they are all illegal as hell. I present these because I am a great believer in hazing and the benefits it bestows on the pledges who undergo and survive it. I am aware that hazing is now politically incorrect, and that the folks who want to pussify our society are winning. I know that many will not like this nor me for presenting it. All I can say is that if you don’t want to engage in “real man” activities, that’s fine. But if you, as a fraternity man, see yourself as a real man, a tough-minded, tough-bodied, politically incorrect American, then you will probably like these pledge activities. Your pledges will love them, once they have been through them, if they’re not pussies.